My Soul is a Little Split Lately

Dear Maggie and Willow,

A lot has happen recently that keeps me from writing. But I won’t bore you with adult responsibilities, recently I got back from my first vacation away from y'all. Me and your Dad went to New York and ya’ll stayed with Grammy and Papaw for 3 whole days.

It felt weird being apart from a such a large piece of myself… Let me explain (in the most abstract annoying way possible).

When you are a child, a teen, or young adult your world revolves around you. You worry about worldly things and you may love your family and your God but your whole soul resides in your body. You see things only from your point of view and its hard to understand true absolute love. You want Christmas to be fun for you. You want a vacation to be memorable for you. You find a husband that will be good for you. You want to know what God can do for you & your little world. You may be appreciative and thankful and that completely-understandable self-centeredness is normal... or at least it was for me.

Now as a 30-year old mother of 2 little girls I began thinking about life not from a self-centered point of view, but from your small, innocent, new point of view, and sometimes a much more spiritual point of view. Everything has taken on more meaning. My soul doesn’t just reside in my body, but I leave a big part of it with y'all, and that is a weird feeling. As a mom I worry a lot about that part of my soul, its very humbling and vulnerable.

We are entering that stage in your life that you are starting to understand things and I don't have all the answers.  The older I get the more I realize I won’t ever have all the answers, but I hope to at least stay ahead of y'all by 27ish years. I'm only human, and I'm starting to realize my parents were only human. I really want you to think I have the answers. I want you to think I got all of this under control, I want you to think I hung the moon tonight. My parents sure had me amazed, still do, well at least by 27 years or so.

My life revolves around making your childhood magical, educational, and safe. I am not in control of your quantity of life or that part of my soul I left with you, and that terrifies me as I am sure it terrifies all moms and dads. I am in charge of your quality of life. The quality of that little part of my soul that I am leaving with you. I have given myself over to being your mom. Being your protector. Being your magic maker. Being your teacher, leader and your childhood maker.

I love more since being a mom, I love bigger. I love 100% absolutely. I don’t just love y'all more but I love your daddy more. I love my parents more. I love Jesus more. I love people more and I love all of that much deeper that I can ever think possible. God feels different now too, I know that sounds weird but to me I am more appreciative, and amazed, and even terrified at all that He has given me and that He can take away.

Together we grow, together we are figuring things out. I am not the same mom I will be in 20 years its comforting to think that my mom was just as clueless as I am 20 years ago, that's why they call them GRANDmoms. 

Dear Willow

Dear Willow,
The other day I was talking to a lady about why I named you "Willow". Most people apparently think of Willow as a peaceful name.... I always disagree. I described my thoughts on the name 'Willow' as an "old-soul sassy" personality. And boy are you. And I even knew that before I met you. You are a mischievous little grandma living in a toddler's body, reeking havoc in my house, all while running around naked, I kinda love that. Your eyes are always saying more than your little voice and oh boy you know a ton of words. Which totally freaks me out most days cause your sister just now found her verbal stride of girlish 3-year old curiosity.

* this is an unfinished letter from Jan 2015 that I am posting Jan. 2016

Going without TV Week 2: Feelin' the Burn

Week 2 without TV. Still going strong... well until today.  Let me explain.

Even before I decided was challenged to go on a 3-week "fast" without TV I had been trying to clean up my TV watching shows and started substituting vampires, crime, superheroes and lesbian prisoners for more Property Brothers, Bible: the MiniSeries, and 19 Kids and Counting. I was trying to find less mind numbing TV to put on in the background while we went about our day, or while I worked at night.

I'm still not willing to give up GoT, SoA, or HoC, but I'm getting a little better.

Overall I have loved quitting and changing our TV habits. Now I just have to find some good habits to replace this one. 

This week though, had a lot more stress and personal challenges that would have been great to come home and vegetate in front of the idiot box with a beer, but that just didn't happen.

CHALLENGE 1 - THE CAR: We had to buy a car this week and that itself was the most stressful thing to research and pray over. We bought a car on Wednesday and I'm just glad it is over, its a dark beige (inside & out) 2004 Honda Pilot, over 150,000 miles, I named it the Happy Honda, cause no matter how much stress came with buying Happy, I was determined for Happy to bring happy moments and happy thoughts. I decided this after a 3 hour car buying experience during a particular stressful drive home at rush hour in the dark while raining without my phone or GPS.

But more importantly to note is that the new car came with a DVD player. SOO during the drive to my parents house this weekend the kids watched a bit of Bambi.

Sidenote:  my three year old is not mature enough for Bambi. I almost lost it when Maggie was asking me from the back seat "What happened to the mother?" "What happened to the mother?"

Note: I have not read Fahrenheit 451, I think I started it once, but then a TV show came on that day

CHALLENGE 2 - PARENTS: I'm at my parents house. So even tho I have NOT sat down in front of the TV, it is on in the back ground. Parent's house is the worse when I try to restrict myself from something like TV or peanut butter cookies.

CHALLENGE 3 - TUMBLR: Ross seems to be the one missing his shows, mainly cause all his shows are discussed and shown on tumblr. So sometimes I hear him wimper when he's scrolling on his phone. He's still 100% supportive of our quest as a family. I myself, have long ago "hid" TV shows and entertainment pages I liked on facebook. I found myself delving into endless internet surfing sessions revolved around the fake character lives of hollywood people. Ain't nobody got time for 'dat!

WHAT ARE WE SUBSTITUTING TV WITH:

• Reading: I just finished my 2nd Duggar book. Both books are so good and truly inspirational to see how Jesus and the Bible have inspired a peaceful parenting atmosphere and a ministry-minded life. We are also reading the Bible, Researching natural solutions and gardening.
• Play: Maggie is loving puzzels and she has really enjoyed doing all sorts of puzzels, including a puzzle of the United States Map. Willow is finding that taking people's things and then running at top speed is super fun. 
• Potty Training: I made a HUGE deal out of going to the store to buy "big girl" panties and having a big girl day with mommy and getting our toes done and buying a bunch of potty books for Maggie to read. So we've been a LOT more consistent over here. 
• Buying stuff: Not necessarily a good substitute, but this last week I have noticed an influx of spending, not including the car we bought. Gonna have to fix that.
• Eating: Peanut Butter cookies..... um yea, not a good substitute either.