Willow's VBAC Birth Story

Dear Willow,

I hope in 20 or 30 years, when you decide to have children, that a VBAC is no big deal. I hope that it is looked upon as commonplace and something to strive for with your 2^nd baby if you happen to have a C-section with your 1^st baby.
I seriously didn’t think that I would be allowed to have a VBAC with the team, hospital, and way that I wanted. I figured my blood pressure would spike once or twice, and the doctors would roll me into the operating room. I WAS WRONG, AND I GOT MY VBAC!

• Maggie’s Birth Story
• My thoughts about being able to have a VBAC at week 36
• Birth Photography by Caroline Carmack

disclaimer: this is me TMIing all over the internet again.

FALSE LABOR

The day you were born was more like the finale after a really long weekend of sporadic contractions that started Thursday afternoon; your Grammy and I started timing contractions around 4pm. They were slow and a little irregular, but after a warm bath around 11pm, they were steady at about 8 minutes apart. I couldn’t sleep- I was nervous, and I kept thinking, “This is it!” So I waited until about 1am, when the contractions were 4 minutes apart. I woke your daddy, and we started towards the hospital, which was about 40 minutes away. Your Aunt Jessi was at our house watching Maggie.

We called your Grammy and Papaw and told them that we would call back as soon as we knew if we were actually in labor. But as the car got closer to the hospital, the contractions got weaker and farther apart; and it didn’t matter what I tried- I couldn’t willpower them any closer together. We went ahead and went into the emergency room, where we checked in, and I told the lady at the desk that I was a VBAC. She sarcastically asked, “Why?” I was then wheeled upstairs where I asked for a nurse that didn’t “scare easily and was VBAC-friendly.” I was determined to still try this VBAC.

They took me to my room and hooked me up to the blood pressure machine, but the first reading was borderline dangerously high. “Oh sh*t!!”  I was afraid they were going to pull you! Over the next few hours, I rested on my left side to bring down the blood pressure, but my contractions slowed down and stopped registering on the computer. Your Grammy and Papaw drove all the way up there (without telling us) just to find out that it was FALSE LABOR.

I WAS GOING HOME.

I was told to rest, lie down, and come back when the contractions were steady, 4 minutes apart, and I “couldn’t talk during them”. I had to do the walk of shame out of the hospital without a baby.

Your daddy and I got home around 5am, and we were so tired.

OVER THE NEXT 3 DAYS

I had weak sporadic contractions, so I stayed at home resting, watching TV, and sleeping. Grammy and Papaw took Maggie that weekend so I could sit on my tooshie and not worry about a toddler.

SUNDAY

Sunday came and I needed to get you out, I tried all the tricks to get my body to go into labor, I walked, I ate spicy food, I even tried the #1 thing to induce labor (wink wink). Your Grammy and Papaw had to return Maggie on Sunday night, but they agreed to stay until she fell asleep so I could continue to rest. Papaw bought tacos with lots of jalapenos and hot salsa for me. I ate all of it.

I don’t know what actually started the stronger contractions, but I’d like to think that it was a combination of everything I was trying that day. When the contractions started up again with more intensity, Grammy got excited and started timing them. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, or get too excited. Papaw ran out to buy a home blood pressure machine so we could monitor my blood pressure ourselves.

Over the next few hours, we timed the contractions. Four minutes was the magic number, and they were steady, intense, and regular. They would start in my lower back, creep around under my pregnant belly, and end up on top of my belly. They were just like menstrual cramps, but much worse. We also took my blood pressure several times and the readings were too high for anybody, let alone for somebody in labor. But I lay down on my left side and tried to relax.

Around 8pm, we decided to go to Labor & Delivery again. We called your Aunt Jessi to come watch Maggie that night and called your Daddy at work to come drive me to the hospital. Your Grammy was on the phone with on-call nurses to see if this was it IT. While we waited for everybody to arrive, your Papaw sat at the edge of the bed, telling me stories and making fun of my bedroom décor. He even tried on some hats that your daddy had lying around; it definitely helped pass the time.

Once Aunt Jessi and your Daddy had made it to our house, we all got ready to go. Your Daddy and your Grammy escorted me to the hospital; the last words that your Papaw said to me was “get the pain meds”. I told him I would.

All the way to the hospital, the contractions were steady. We rode in silence, except when I said, “time” to indicate I was having a contraction.

Room #1

We got to the hospital right before 10pm, so we were able to walk right into L&D without having to go through the emergency room like we did during “False Labor” day. I was checked into the triage wing and hooked up to the machines. My blood pressure was ok, you were ok, the contractions were there, but the nurses couldn’t get them on the monitor. Your Daddy and Grammy took turns trying to sleep and help me through the contractions; they even lied to me about the intensity of the contractions on the monitors.

Even though the contractions stayed consistent, they still weren’t showing up very well on the monitor, so at 1am the nurses started drawing up the discharge papers (I didn’t know this at the time). I was just sitting in the dark room, working through the contractions, while lying on my left side when MY WATER BROKE. Felt exactly like a water balloon had been popped between my legs. So weird.

The nurses were surprised, and admitted that they were going to release me. The contractions doubled in pain, but I was still only at 3 ½ centimeters. But once the water breaks, you don’t get discharged; you are GONNA HAVE A BABY!

This is when I took off my own blood pressure monitor, which I believe was the 1^st thing that helped my VBAC be a success, because I believe my blood pressure went up after my water broke (prior to the epidural). Had I gotten a bad blood pressure reading, they would have sectioned me.

Nothing that your Daddy and Grammy could do could ease my pain, and the nurses wouldn’t let me move around because it was putting “stress on the baby” (whatever). I had your Daddy text the birth photographer my status. The nurses were trying to transfer me to the Labor and Delivery section of the hospital, but nobody seemed to be in a hurry. Everybody knew by this point that I wanted to get the epidural; I was a little mean and short-tempered during that time. When you are in that much pain, you really just want to hold your breath and power through, but that was my problem- you can’t “hold your breath”. The hardest part was breathing through the contractions. Breathing felt wrong and seemed to make the pain worse. I really just wanted to grit my teeth, hold my breath, and wait for it to be over with, but that’s not how it works. Everybody kept telling me “Breathe Crystal, breathe!”

As I said before, nobody was really in a hurry to get me into an epidural or a room in Labor and Deliver. But the triage nurse came in one hour later to see how I was progressing, and “WHOA 7 ½ cm! Let’s get you to L&D!” She moved faster; in fact, she ran down the hall, pushing my bed.

Room #2

Once I got to L&D, I was handed off to nurse Tonya. The contractions were bad, and I really just wanted to thrash around and kick a lot (but that wouldn’t have helped). “Breathe Crystal, Breathe!” The anesthesiologist arrived, and couldn’t have hooked me up fast enough. Once a woman goes into transition (8 – 10 cm), typically, the epidural is no longer allowed. Once I was sitting up, hunched over, using Tonya as support, the anesthesiologist started his procedure. Then Tonya yelled at your Grammy for videotaping the process- big no-no. I mumbled something to the nurse under my breath about your Grammy being crazy. She has always been the type who would rather ask for forgiveness than permission.

I immediately started feeling better, but it took about 20 minutes until I was calm and feeling less pain (mostly just pressure). My blood pressure was fine at that point, and I believe that I have the epidural to thank for that (reason #2 I believe my VBAC was a success). Every few minutes, I could feel pressure as you got closer and closer to arriving. I was shaking from the epidural, and I continued to shake for the next few hours, even after you arrived and I stopped receiving pain medication.

The birth photographer, Caroline, arrived right after the pain meds. At that point, it was just a waiting game. I talked and chatted through the “pressure” contractions, asking everybody questions and trying (unsuccessfully) to sleep between the contractions.

At 4am, I was 10cm, and I remember asking everybody to guess what time you would be born. Unfortunately, I still didn’t start pushing till 5am because the OB doctor wasn’t ready. They even gave me a drug to “relieve the pressure”, and slow the process. Once I did finally start pushing, it seemed unreal that it was actually happening! I was going to have a baby the way I wanted. The doctor wasn’t in the room at first/ It was just Tonya, Caroline, your Daddy, and Grammy. My OB, Dr. McElroy wasn’t there, so the doctor on call, Dr. Irwin, delivered you. I’m not 100% sure he knew it was a VBAC (3^rd and final reason I think my VBAC was successful).

BABY TIME

Around 4:45 or 5am, Tonya calmly told me to start pushing the next time I felt a contraction. I felt so calm (nothing like you see on TV). After several minutes of learning how to push with Tonya, (I pushed too much with my face, rookie mistake), Dr. Irwin came in to suit up; this ensemble included goggles! Your Daddy moved around to my right side, and Tonya moved to my left so that she could keep track of the monitor. I asked the doctor not to give me an episiotomy and that I wanted a slimy baby on my chest as soon as possible. I pushed and pushed, and I didn’t really feel like I was doing anything. I was surprised how quiet the room was- I wasn’t screaming, nobody was talking, everybody was just looking at the monitor and asking me to push when I felt the urge to push. They called in a nursery nurse to be there for you, but really it was a very simple, quiet moment without any complications. When I pushed, Tonya would place her arm around my neck to help me sit up, and she held on to the back of my knees.

I pushed and people cheered me on, until your Grammy and Daddy said they could see the top of your head! You had hair! This excited me, and gave me a burst of energy (my kid had hair!!). I pushed a few more times, until you just slid out. It was 5:21am. After the doctor sucked all the fluid out of your mouth, I could hear you scream; it was the best sound ever. The doctor asked your Daddy if he wanted to cut the cord, to which he declined at first; but we all pressured him into it. Later, the doctor complimented your Daddy on his cord-cutting skills because he did it without spraying blood everywhere.

The doctor placed you in my arms, and you were so beautiful (and slimy) with your cute little pointed head. Your nurse helped me hold you for a few minutes (because you were slimy and slippery). I was in awe of what I had just done. I just kept saying, “I did it”. You were stunning and there is nothing comparable to that moment. Nothing. I hope I’m there when you have your 1^st baby.

They took you from me, and over the next few minutes, they wiped you down, stitched me back up, weighed you (6lbs 9oz), and measured your head and length (20 ½ inches). I just kept thinking and saying, “I did it”. Within a few minutes they had everything cleaned up, the doctor congratulated me, and he left. Your Daddy handed you back to me; you were all bundled up with a hat on. I got to nurse you immediately, and you latched on, which was great. We took a few more pictures, and I got to talk to your Papaw and your Aunt Jessi on the phone. I cried so hard- happy tears.

Within the next hour or so, I announced your arrival via Facebook, and your Papaw and Aunt Jessi came by with your big sister. It was early in the morning (6:30-ish) and Maggie was still very sleepy when she got to meet you. She was actually more interested in the new surroundings and the nearby banana than the fact that we had a new baby (but don’t worry! She was more interested in you the next day when she met you in our home without any distractions). Aunt Jessi made a McDonalds run and my first meal after you were born was a McGriddle. Don’t eat those; they are bad for you. I sent a couple of text messages to my work colleagues, and Grammy texted the whole family.

Everyone left the hospital, your Daddy laid down to take a nap, and just the 2 of us spent some time together. You still had blood matted to your hair under your hat. You were so brand new. I was in awe, and I was so excited and energetic. I wasn’t as tired as I thought I would be considering I hadn’t slept in 24 hours and I just birthed a baby. I was running on adrenaline and pure love.

Room #3

Over the next few hours, I figured out how to function again. They bathed you, and we moved into the postpartum wing of the hospital. But that was short-lived because the first time they took my blood pressure in postpartum, it was 110/199, so they sent me back to L&D to be hooked up to magnesium. All without my lunch.

Room #4

After being hooked up to the magnesium and all the other contraptions that come with it, I got to see Dr. McElroy. I talked to her about the delivery, my medications, and how long I would have to wait for the cherry pie I wanted to order. I learned of the Moore, Oklahoma F5 tornado that afternoon, followed by your first few visitors. First, your Grandma Roznik brought you gifts and sparking grape juice. That night, my Aunt Marsha along with my 2 cousins, Trey and Logan, came to visit you for a few minutes. Tuesday your Grandma Betty Mabry came to visit us.

I had to stay in L&D until 24 hours after you were born. Your Daddy and I drifted in and out of sleep, and I woke up every once in a while to nurse you. (I forgot how much that hurts the first few days). I remember wishing you “Happy Day One” around 5:30am.

Room #5

My blood pressure leveled out, and we moved back to postpartum before breakfast that Tuesday. The rest of day two was quiet and peaceful. It was spent resting, showering, watching the developing storms, paperwork, finalizing your birth certificate, and convincing the nurses that I could go home (half-way joking that I should be allowed to take one of the postpartum beds with me).

We left the hospital around 4pm that day. Just you, your daddy, and I drove the 40 minutes home with dark storm clouds overhead. I rode in the backseat, and you held onto my finger tightly.

WE DID IT. You are my VBAC Baby. I love you so much, Willow Rai Roznik.

Trying to VBAC

This is me TMI-ing all over the internet. But if you know me, you know this is nothing new.

If I had to guess I would say my odds of VBAC (Vaginal Birth After C-section) are about 30%, in comparison to the 70% chance I give myself for a repeat c-section. I'm NOT scared scared of either choice. That's a lie, there is a human inside of me and it has to exit my body in the next month, that's terrifying. But, I love being a mom and I'm not too terrified of that, I was meant to do that. My body knows what to do during labor and many women have done this before me, that's comforting, even if I'm way late to doing my homework.

Way late. Like should have been doing this homework before I was pregnant kind of procrastination. But better 8 months preggo than never. I did ask my general MD for VBAC supportive doctors one day before I found out I was pregnant with baby #2 (ironic), I thought I was late then, so I didn't do any more research, and accepted my fate. Boy was I wrong.

But this is where my head is today. Week 36 of 40.

I was told by my OB, 4 weeks after Maggie's birth that I would not be able to have a normal birth. Generally, once a c-section always a c-section. I cried, made my sister promise me I could be in the room when she delivered my first niece/nephew and then accepted it. I found out later that VBAC was a thing.

Fast forward 9 months... I'm pregnant again

At the beginning of this pregnancy my OB changed her mind. I was a candidate for a VBAC (surprised me), but she did lay out all the scary sh*t more than once in front of my husband and mother (between you and me, I think the doctor has witnessed a not-so-successful VBAC). The whole uterine rupture thing scares a lot of doctors.

My reason for my first c-sec is severe pre-eclampsia, it was scary for everybody involved. That's another story that is still being written, with a 17-month procrastination time.

But I decided in month 3 or 4 with limited knowledge and some serious tenacity (to have baby #2 exit the same way it went in), that I wanted my girl-power moment. My mother was able to do it, my grandmother was able to do it (7 times), this is what my body was meant to do, I was a woman and I felt (still do) that I have something to prove. Family and doctors all grudgingly agreed (still do). I had to agree to ideal conditions for a VBAC (planets aligned, no complications, no late babies, no pitocin, no surprises). I even agreed to an epidural. I was ok with that. Healthy Baby, Healthy Mama... has been my motto since day one.

Fast forward to month 7

My blood pressure wasn't ideal and I get doctor's note for a limited work schedule (kinda bed rest). I started doing some serious research, I watched The Business of Being Born and its counterpart. I googled myself into a frenzy of information. Epidurals slow the process down, pitocin speeds the process up, babies have to go through the birth canal or they will have lung problems and suffer from obesity, anybody can have a uterine rupture, the Obstetrics-medical industry is out of control in America, c-secs are overly performed in Brazil, emergency hysterectomies can happen with c-sections, its surgery and hard to recover from, moms who have c-section babies or epidurals don't bond with their babies immediately, c-section babies have a harder time breast-feeding, pre-eclampsia is a real good reason to have a c-section. You get the point.

I talked to several supporters of VBAC, friends who have successfully VBACed, doulas and other people in the field. I joined a yahoo North Texas group for VBAC supporters. All of them had one uniform suggestion, change providers since Dr. OB wasn't 100% on board. OK, I can do that. I had supporters of this decision, I had names and numbers of VBAC providers and doulas, I had people willing to get me a referral to the best VBAC doctor in the country (who happens to live in North Dallas).

I was 34 weeks along. I sat down during my lunch break at work, with my PB&J, by myself, in the conference room, phone in hand, ready to change the course of this pregnancy. Then I lost it. Preggo hormones/Just-Crystal hormones whatever you want to call it, I lost it, that sh*t is scary. I didn't want to change providers I didn't want to drive to Denton, I didn't want to meet new people, I didn't need more people seeing my lady parts (this doesn't really bother me ... TMI), and I had already prepaid for a lot of the services already, and I really really don't like talking on the phone to people I don't know (my sense of humor is always lost on strangers).

I talked to mom and my husband and came to the conclusion that changing providers and making these kind of big change decisions this late in the game would put too much unnecessary stress on everybody involved, most notably ME. I pride myself in knowing who I am and being "self-aware". And what I really want is to be in control of the situation, well as much as a pregnant woman can be.

Now as I enter the 36th week (the week Maggie was born), my blood pressure still isn't ideal (only gestational hypertension, no pre-e), and with 2 triage hospital visits under my belt with this pregnancy already, my emotions have made a full circle. I'm ok with however God wants to give me another baby, I've come to terms with my pride and what other people will think of me. I'm super thankful that I can get pregnant and that I can carry healthy babies full term. I am so blessed beyond belief to have people in my life who care about me, and I wouldn't jeopardize anything to watch this baby and my 1st c-section baby grow up.

Recently, I read this metaphorical article on going to a great Thai restaurant but wanting a burger. It is right I am trying to walk into a situation where I really really want a VBAC but I'm not willing to give up the comforts of knowing my providers and knowing the process. But I'm going to still walk my butt into the familiar Thai restaurant and ask politely for a burger. I'm ok with that.

Why I'm ok with a c-section (my self-assessed 70% chance of a repeat)

After 4 sonograms (the last one at week 34) all signs point to a happy big healthy baby. I really feel selfish asking for more than that. With a c-section I can control the situation a little more (even tho it feels unnatural) I can control when, where, I can go without certain drugs and get plenty of rest beforehand so that i can remember it a bit more. I didn't have any problems healing after my first c-section. Due to my already underlying problems  of high BP (a legitimate reason for c-section) I will be more willing to understand a repeat. I even have some friends who had a "normal" birth then a c-section and both of them prefer the c-section... mostly because their lady parts remained in tact and unharmed. Also IF (and that's a big "if") me and my husband decide on baby #3 I'll find a provider who will do a VBA2C and I'll be healthier when I do get pregnant.

Either way I plan on breastfeeding till I'm thin and people start calling me "granola". Super healthy baby and mama, (there is no substitute for mama's milk.)

BUT, Why I still want to "try to VBAC" (30%)

I want my girl power moment, I want to work through the "pain and discomfort". I want my water to break on its own, I want to experience labor. I want to hold a slimy naked baby in my arms umbilical cord still attached (I blame awesome birth photographers for this thought in my head, it makes birth look magical). I don't want an epi. I want to bounce on my birthin ball, and hum loudly swaying back and forth. I want to have that feeling of pride and accomplishment and a feeling of womanhood. (and yes I know how silly that sounds to some people). I want the rush of oxytocin. And if the planets align and there are no complications then I'll get my chance and somebody will have to reread this too me while I'm in labor, I'm sure of it. Be careful what you wish for. :)

But God has his plans for me and baby Willow and I hope he blesses me with guiding me through those plans.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding – Proverbs 3:5

I GOT MY VBAC. READ IT HERE